Not again, go away insomnia

Another thing I forgot to add in my introduction of my crazy life is I suffer from insomnia from time to time. Usually it coincides with depression, pretty crap in fact.

My depression I think goes all the way back when I was 11. I know some people would be reading this and going tsk tsk as if. But a lot changed in my life when I turned 11. My parents made a decision to divorce after my father cheated on my mother with her best friend. So, myself and my 3 other siblings went through that fight where Mum & Dad are yelling at each other and clothes packing etc, as being the oldest I took the other 3 kids into the room so we didn't have to bear witness to the fight. Then we went through the next few months of both of our families trying to get us kids to believe Mum or Dad as to what happened. A few months into the divorce my Mum came to me with a family secret. My Dad wasn't my actual real Dad. Mum had fallen pregnant with me at the ripe old age of 19 and my natural Dad decided he was not ready for a child, offered Mum money for a abortion and took off. As you can tell, my Mum did not go through with it. My stepdad came along and married my Mum when I was 3 and I took Dad on as thinking was my natural Dad. For years after this I wondered where my natural Dad is and why he didn't want to see me. Really hurt me so much. Dad and Mum eventually made up I think 10 months after the whole falling out, still to this day they are together. I don't know how Mum does it, but that is her choice so I have to live with it.

That is really when I can pinpoint when my depression came along. I've had other bad things happen, at 16 a male in an authority position physically, mentally and sexually abused me (Hey, I know not everyone needs to know this, but I am a survivor of this, I refuse to hide that part of me anymore. It's not shameful to admit it, more shameful for the person at fault) Master W's Dad was physically and mentally abusive but I was lucky to get out of that relationship 2 weeks before Master W was born, then the last majorly thing was Miss G's Dad who cheated on me with a mutual friend and then denied parentage of Miss G claiming he was sterile just so he didn't have to pay child support. DNA tests baby, can't fool them.

I'm not crying out for attention, part of my self-therapy is to talk about it and not to be ashamed of it. I find once I can vent or get my feeling out I do feel a lot more better. Or I cuddle up to either one of my human anti-depressants Miss G or Master W, the latter is usually the best choice as Miss G isn't really an affection toddler right now, more interested in destroying my house. I don't know where I would have gotten without Master W when I was pregnant with Miss G. For starters, Miss G was a total fluke, I wasn't supposed to of been able to have any more kids after Master W so we weren't being as careful as we were supposed to....lo and behold suddenly I'm pregnant. At first, Miss G's Dad was dead set against the pregnancy and wanted an abortion....but after the fact that my Mother came so close to having an abortion I couldn't do it. Plus, after the fact of being told not long before that I wouldn't be able to have any more kids without help, would you abort your baby?? He finally came around and started getting excited but then about 2 months into my pregnancy I was dumped over the phone by Miss G's Dad (We hadn't moved in together, we lived in different towns 2 and a half hours away and I was commuting) my whole world fell apart. Here I was, dumped while pregnant with my second baby. Serious, I used to think how would I look to people, with two kids to two different Dads? (Mr D wants another baby but 1. That would mean 4 kids between us and 2. 3 kids to 3 different Dads? How would that make me look) I later on found out that he had been cheating on me with a friend. My whole world collapsed and I really think if I hadn't been pregnant with Miss G and I had Master W around me I would have done something stupid. I cried a lot during this pregnancy and Master W would wipe my tears away and tell me "Don't cry Mummy, cos I love you!" Damn I love that boy. He maybe only 5 but he sure knows what to say.

My Mother is always trying to tell me that I constantly need to be on anti-depressants. I'm not always depressed, it comes and goes, usually I can see the warning signs but if I can't and it is too bad before I fix it I know I can always go see my gp and ask for help. Most of the time on anti-depressants, I feel like it is a happy numb and if I don't learn to fix it myself then I'm never going to be cured. I probably won't be cured but hell I sure need to try.

Lets see now if I can try to fall asleep.